I always wanted to be wanted. When I was younger, it meant so much more than to just be wanted sexually. I would have gladly taken anyone who wanted me by their side...and I did. Unfortunately, they wanted me for all the wrong reasons, and I paid the price. I was so desperate, I was willing to do anything - even if it meant taking a beating. Of course, these relationships shaped me into the person I am today - a person who doesn't take any shit from anyone...unless I'm getting paid.
In the present day, to me, being "wanted" has taken on a new meaning, and thanks to the internet, shallow superficiality rears its ugly head. It's nice to see Joe Homo get so many likes and shares on the things he posts - it's just sad to see that in order for Joe Homo to recieve this kind of attention, he has to do it shirtless...and have a decent body to go with it.
It's things like this that make me feel inadequate. I'm certainly not ugly, and though my personality is a bit unconventional - acquired, even - if you put me next to Shirtless Joe Homo, I simply don't exist. I've actually gone the route of taking off my shirt, or wearing wifebeaters, to appease the gay male public, but without muscle-tone, this is an almost impossible feat to get noticed. (Unless you're a Bear lover and have never met me or watched my YouTube videos)
Granted, I may have gained some attention by doing this, but 5 or 10 people is hardly attention compared to Joe Homo's 500,000 likes on his YouTube video where he does a mediocre impersonation of a female comedienne. (I'm no comedian, but, as a singer, I've learned that some gay men are more likely to watch my videos if I get naked in them...and if I had a hot body, i'd go gayviral and probably get a record deal.)
So do I work out to conform to what the (shallow) majority wants? Certainly not!! Based on my experiences of sacrificing in my relationships, I refuse to compromise who I am for anyone. If I work out, it's because I want to see nice bulging arms when I look in the mirror - (yes, I would only be working out for narcissistic reasons - Hey, at least I'm admitting it!)
In the past, I have been told how to change my looks to get people to notice me more - which, to me, was nothing more than an insult. Get contacts. Grow your hair out. Fix your teeth. Deepen Your Voice....and my all-time favorite "You need to save your true self for the person you are meant to be with." Welcome to Extreme Sean Make-Over, hosted by Fuck Off Fuckface!
In the real world, yes, I have fucked up teeth, I'm losing my hair, I walk funny, I wear glasses, and sometimes I shave my beard crooked. (I even forgot to shave one side of my face once and I didn't realise it until way after I left the house)
To look at the real me, I'm not someone most guys would want....and certainly not anyone shallow. I don't turn heads in a gay neighborhood. I can't wear a wifebeater in public due to my pear shape and unwanted hairy body parts. The minute I open my mouth, my voice ruins any fantasy one might have, and my sense of humor is as acquired as my personality.
Yes, I still want to be wanted, but in the acceptance of reality, "wanted" means to be what others "want". I have learned that Who I am trumps anything anyone could ever Want me to be, because, goddammit, I am one of a kind - and that is more priceless than being anything other than me.
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